Parking 101

I drove a mini-van for over a dozen years. I loved my van. It looked like new when I traded it in at 13 years and 186k miles. Which should surprise no one.
I loved the way it drove, I loved the way it handled.
I could drive that van just as well backwards as forward. I could park it anywhere.

Now I drive a VW Cabrio. There aren't many cars smaller than that.
So why is it I can't back the thing up?
I mean I can't even back it into a parking space.
I park in the same space here at work everyday. When I arrive there are no other cars near my space, and I like to back in.
I do this everyday.
Yet everyday it takes me two tries.
WTF.

There I am ... all alone... on the roof of the parking garage (in full view of the entire building) attempting over and over again to park my teeny tiny little car into this cavernous space.
Ridiculous.

7x

I am over 40. This means I wear those ubiquitous magnifying glasses from Wal-Mart to see anything within say… a foot of my face.

This is fine. I have no hang ups about getting older.
But I also like convenience.
This is why I now wear my magna-glasses around my neck. They are always there when I need them. This works for me. I don’t care how it looks.

Where the magna glasses fall short is when you have something in your eye or perhaps need to tweeze a brow. Then – they simply get in the way.

The other day my also-over-40 wife and I were at Bed Bath and Beyond where we came upon a display of magnifying mirrors.
Hmm.
I wondered-- will this work like the glasses or will I just see a blurry reflection of myself 5 times larger….
So I looked.
Wow.
I called my browsing wife over.
She looked.
WOW.

We were mesmerized. We were gigantic… and perfectly. in. focus.
And o….the flaws.

We tried them all. Some had lights, some where chrome, some were nickel, some had different magnifications on each side. It was better than the fun house.
It occurred to us after some time that we were actually in a store – and that we would eventually need to go home, so we decided to purchase one.

After some further experimentation my magnified wife suggested the 10x.
I told her I may never leave the house if I had to see myself that closely.
So we chose the 7x and went home.

I can’t decide whether I wish we had always had one of these… or never discovered it.

Visit

We went to visit the dear Virginians this weekend.

My dog loving wife made a new friend on this trip.


What do you wanna bet she is casually surfing PetFinder right now...

our new dog?

This may be the cause of her rash...

which is not a problem because Pixie can come live with us now.

Friday

tip-o-day

As my patient wife will continually and patiently tell me... don't worry so much.

So all week I'm running around chasing bees laden with tuna... and in the end it all worked out just fine.
So that's my tip.
Don't worry so much.

The-Sister-In-Law's shower last weekend was loads of fun. We never found the nest. The tree was still filled with bees. There were no casualties.

I, of course, immediately identified the guests with bee allergies - and my mom, the nurse, offered to stick 'em with Epi-Pens if need be. Hmm, there's an apple and tree story for ya.

But the real kicker is... today when I pulled into the driveway and looked curiously up at the tree for my buzzy little pals. They were gone.
Huh.


Lets recap:
I worried all week about bees.
The party was fine.
The bees disappeared.
My patient wife smirks.


We cleverly had the food served inside.


Many brave people scoffed at the bees and stayed outside.


We made the 'bride' wear a tiara... with flashing lights.


Bridesmaids in Barbie hats.



Others stayed inside where it was safe (and air conditioned).

And then some of us... simply waited until after the bees bedtime.

Beeeeees

We didn’t have a fish.
So we improvised.
We used tuna… Bumblebee of course.

So this should be pretty simple. Put out the ‘fish’, watch the bees go for the fish, follow the bees to their home – then we could plan our attack.

Here is the first chunk of tuna we put out.

I cleverly used the lid as a sorta of serving dish.

We watched… and waited….

My observant wife noticed that the bees were simply drinking the tuna-flavored water.
To correct their behavior we removed the lid – this time using a leaf as the serving dish.I couldn’t just toss it on the ground – that’s simply barbaric.



And we watched… and waited again. No activity.

So we moved the tuna leaf to another location.

And we watched… and waited…

My wife wandered off to water things in the yard, I popped open a cold one and sat in a chair.
And watched… and waited…

And then… they came.

A couple at a time, the bees would work quickly to break away a small piece. Sure enough, holding their precious little piece of tuna tightly, they would lift off. Wobbly and overburdened they head out toward the back yard.
Whoo hoo!
Now all we had to do was follow the bee right back to their lair.

Ok, so …have you ever tried to track a bee laden with tuna?
We tried.
Several times.

Lets review:
We have millions of bees.
We still don’t know where they live.
The party is tomorrow.
We have just begun to feed these bees, who were already quite enamoured with our yard.
Hopefully this has improved their mood.

Beeeees

The next day I began to research.
I learned about bees.
I needed to think like a bee.
Be the bee.

I surfed the internet.

I talked to co-workers.

I called an exterminator...
He listed carefully.
He told me I did not have a nest in the tree.
Keep looking.

Hmm, but how to find the nest ... hmm.
Then I stumbled upon this!

"Bee Lining" for Fish Bait: Bee lining is a method by which a person may locate a yellow jacket nest by observing foragers as they return to their colony with food. A freshly caught small fish should be diced slightly on the exterior with a knife and hung in a tree about 5 to 6 feet off the ground. Foraging yellow jackets will be attracted to the raw fish and will chew off a tiny particle of the meat. By close observation, a person can follow the flight line of the yellow jacket back to her nest. The foraging yellow jacket will normally make a "bee line" straight to the nest which is often no more than 1,000 yards from the food source. Fishermen have been known to use this procedure to discover yellow jacket nests and use the grub as excellent fish bait.

I emailed my clever wife immediately.

So now, let's review:
We have hundreds and thousands of bees.
The party is getting closer.
We still don't know where they live.
But we have a plan.

Bees

Shortly after both my sweet wife and I were stung by insolent bees, I came home from work and noticed some yellow jackets in a tree next to the driveway.


I stopped to see what they might be doing.
Then I notice more. So I stood and stared at the tree for a moment…


and I noticed A LOT more.
Like hundreds and hundreds of bees. In this one tree. Angry little yellow jackets
Uh o.
Now – it’s one thing to have a tree with hundreds of bees in it next to your driveway. But by fantastic coincidence, the first time in 20 years that we have ever seen bees of these numbers in our yard is the year that we are hosting The Sister In Laws bridal shower at our house, in our backyard, with lots of yummy food and tasty guests.

We need a plan.

The plan should include getting rid of the bees.

A friend had recently told me about destroying yellow jacket nests in the ground.
So we wondered if perhaps there was a nest under this tree. Since there are hosta plants planted around the trunk the ground is hidden. Tho we did notice several bees crawling around on the hosta leaves.
Hmm.

So the next morning I get up before dawn. I go out and check the tree – no bees.
Good.
I see one sleepy little bee crawling on a hosta leaf.
AHA!
So I start hacking away at the hostas.
I am cutting and tossing leaves all over the place… and now I even think I hear subtle buzzing sounds, perhaps from the colossal nest I am about to find under the tree roots – I am careful to be nimble tho – just in case I discover the nest and make them all upset. I am planning what to do if I am swarmed… its good to have a plan. I am certain I am on the right track… then I notice a small hole… paydirt! I think… I am getting pretty excited …
I am practically congratulating myself on a job well done. Although I have not actually seen any bees coming from the hole… in fact, I haven’t seen any bees at all …

When my quiet wife comes up behind me and gently asks if I have noticed that the entire tree is filled with bees.

Huh?

Dammit.

Let’s review:
We have thousands of bees.
For some reason the bees like this tree.
Bees sting.
We have determined there is no nest in the ground under the tree.
I have completely hacked up our attractive plantings leaving a stubbly mess.
We are having a big party in three days.


Clearly we need to find the nest…

Friday

It's Friday.
And I have a story for you... it's about bees.

However - I feel I need to wait. To pause. To pay my respects. To pray.
For Gypsy the cat, and her dear mom Sue.

I have been laboring this morning over whether to blog it or not.
But I must. Because I am so ... sad and heartbroken.

We try very hard to keep our pets safe. We spend large portions of our income on vet bills, the finest pet food, toys and other accoutrement.
We try to keep them from harm by walking our dogs on leashes, building fences and keeping our cats indoors. We make sacrifices so that they will be safe and happy.
We coddle out pets.

Our friend Sue is just like that. Sue is a warm, wonderfully sensitive, creative woman and her best pal for these many, many years has been Gypsy.
This very special feline cuddled Sue through a difficult divorce. She rejoiced with Sue when they got their new house. She loved to visit, and loved to be tied out on her leash while all we silly lesbians sat around in the yard drinking cool drinks and watching her chase bugs. (Yes, she liked to be tied out with her harness on to get some fresh air... always safe... always within site).

Then they met with the bizarre and tragic.
This week a chimney company came to cap off the chimney. Unknown to the workers a raccoon was already in there, now sealed in by the cap. While Sue was out that evening, the raccoon gained access to the house... and to Gypsy. Gypsy did everything she could - and the battle was fierce. Sue came home (thank goodness accompanied by loved friends) to a war zone in her safe and beautiful home.
Vets worked on Gypsy for two days - her injuries were massive. But after her courageous battle - she succumbed to signs of rabies. Yes. Rabies. The raccoon was rabid.
I weep, as I type, for fluffy little Gypsy and our friend Sue.

All the humans involved are now being treated for this dreaded and, here in CT, prevalent disease.

Why are the bees mad?

Or are they angry


I was a cautious, careful child. And while I had plenty of fun I found it unnecessary to get overly dirty or raucous. I rarely got hurt, I’ve never broken a bone and I have never been stung by a bee. Really… never.

Until this weekend.

A completely unprovoked attack. I was driving along on the tractor, out in an open field, as I have done for near 20 years now. I saw no bees. I was near nothing.
Hmm.
The next day my gentle wife was stung in the hand while reaching for the wheel barrow.

Have you been stung this year? More and more I am hearing stories of stings and nests and generally large bee populations. Perhaps to the individual it may not seem that remarkable… but when you start to put all the stories together – something fishy is going on.
(key word here is fishy… stay tuned for more and you’ll see what I mean)

Friday

tip-o-day

It's Friday...right?

Anyway...
Fall is fast approaching - you can save some money (and natural resources) as your vegetable garden no longer needs water every day. The plants have matured by now and so require less water. Tomatoes for example are busy ripening fruit, rather than focusing on stem and leaf growth. My well-read wife has heard that if your fruit is slow to ripen, try lopping off the top of the plant to remind it to stop focusing on growth (she cautions me that she has not had to try that here... so your result may vary)

Something is amiss

I have been forgetful.
I am making mistakes because I'm not paying attention.
I've been dropping and spilling way more than usual.

I have been forgetful.
and sometimes i am rushing thru things so i make mistkes.
I just spilled my Diet Cream Soda on the floor.

There are times when I just don't remember stuff.
I really need to slow down and think more clearly.
I tho ardf...ah...eee...........

oops.

Adjusting

Signs that Ferris is adjusting to the new BIG school:

He has sampled at least 3 of the major dining halls.
"The food is good here"

He is getting along well with the new roomies.

He has crafted a velcro wall hanger for his Guitar Hero for easy access.

He made it to the biggest start-of-the-year party, as well as stop ins at various frat house parties.

His current Away message:

I'm currently in class, please do not IM me for i'm afraid it may damage the learning process of my fragel, eggshell mind.

This is all comforting.

Not my dog

On my way into work this morning I saw a dog poking around near the town green.
It was odd.
It shouldn’t have been odd because it was just a dog sniffing around – but as I thought more about it I realized that dogs don’t do that anymore.

Dogs are on leashes, behind intangible fences, in houses or cars… but not sniffing around… on their own… carefree and enjoying a fine summer morning.
When I was a kid you would see dogs. You would see dogs and kids, wandering all over the place. You thought nothing of it.

If your trash got knocked over by the neighbor’s dog you shook your fist, and put the lid on tighter next time, you didn’t call the police or a lawyer.
It was nothing to see a pack of 10 year olds come out of the woods looking like they had been in there for a week.
If you saw your neighbors kid climbing a utility pole you opened the window and yelled at them to get down before they killed themselves. Your neighbor was ok with that because they just chased your dog our of their garage.

They say the world is a different place now, that you can’t let your kids or dogs roam around without a leash and a GPS chip. But what made the world different?
Did the world really become such a bad place? Or did we just think it did?

I suppose I didn’t realize how much I miss seeing dogs wander around.

New Beginning

Ferris has been successfully installed at his new school... or so we hear.
Because he is a man now - he no longer needs his doting parents to help him move in and get settled. So we helped him stuff pack up his car and waved as he pulled out of our driveway.

I am perfectly fine with this. It shows a sense of adventure and independence. In fact, I applaud it.
ok ok... I'll 'fess. The Sister-In-Law and soon to be Brother-In-Law (impending nuptials) were with him. They both work at the BIG school.

We were both very comforted by the fact that he was in very good hands.

Of course move in day with Ferris would NEVER be without some excitement. I can tell you that there were police involved and Ferris did get to meet the hall director and other campus officials - who coincidentally play on the same campus softball team with the Sister-In-Law... its so nice to be connected.

Tragedy averted, no one was injured, and the attempted theft of his laptop was foiled.

We've heard his room is nice and the food is ok...
And so now we'll adjust to our, once again, empty house.

(woo hoo ;)

Shopping!?!

Somebody shoot me.
Ferris has decided he wants new clothes before going off to his 'new' university (he has transferred to a BIG school for his sophmore year, I may at some point disclose the location of said university... or perhaps just keep watching the news and you'll figure it out yourselves.)

And... he's asked me to go along. Egad.

I will let you know how we survive make out.

Back to School

This is that week where they lift the sales tax so folks can get all their back to school shopping done.

Personally... I would rather pay the tax than deal with the crowds this is going to generate.

Friday

tip-o-day

Take a few moments every couple months to scrub out your outdoor trash cans (I do our recycling bin at the same time too). It really only takes a couple minutes. And if you store your cans in the garage as we do... its so much more pleasant if they are clean and odor free.

I use an old broom to the scrubbing. That way I don't have to reach in and get wet or dirty. In the past I have always used ammonia, but we were fresh out last night.
So I turned to my tidy wife's favorite - Simple Green.

It took all of five minutes to spray them down with the Simple Green, scrub the broom around inside and rinse with the garden hose.

I must say, the Simple Green did a marvelous job, and left the cans smelling extra fresh and clean.

Remember to tie up your bags securely and not to toss in loose garbage and your cans will stay clean longer.

What would you do?

What would you do on a Thursday night if you found you had the house to yourself?

That's my gal

So I was having a somewhat trying morning at the office when my intuitive wife sends me this email.

So my tea bag fortune is “Your destiny is to merge with infinity.”
Why not just say, “One night you’re gonna fall asleep and never wake up”?

Phuckin’ genius.

Somehow she just knows when I need to lighten up.