Beni's

Today I am signing up for some health/medical benefits at the ginormous, international company that I work for now. First, before I rant --let me just say that I love the people I work with and the company has been incredibly kind and accommodating.

But ... we are ginormous - and there is this huge HR machine. The company is teaming with HR folk.

In order to sign up my 'legal' wife on my benefits, even tho we have a legal marriage certificate, I still need to have papers notarized and show 'proof' of our relationship.
If I were married to a man I would need to show no proof at all. I would simply jot his name down on the web-form and click Submit.

Fine... fine... I'm gay... ok ok.

So I am making copies today... and I prepared a letter:

Attn: Benefits Team

Please find the enclosed documents:

• a notarized copy of the Domestic Partnership Affidavit
  
• and as proof of partnership I provide:
  
  
  
  • a copy of our valid/notarized Connecticut marriage license
    
  • a copy of our drivers licenses showing our common address
    
  • a real estate tax statement showing both our names on our property
    
  
  

Please note we have owned this home together for 21 years. We are listed as each others primary beneficiary on every account we have, we have joint bank accounts as well as credit cards, and our wills show each other to be the primary recipient. And our children refer to us as their ‘parents’.

Sadly, married same sex couples need to further prove their commitment past a legal marriage document. A document, which by the way, is not required at all when claiming an opposite sex marriage.

Please let me know if you need any other information from me.

Thank you,

Access Denied!!

Apparently my company has decided to shore up our firewall.
No more blogging from work.
I can't access my blog, and I can't read yours.

Now, I admit to being a person of habit. For example, I just finished paying the bills tonight. I printed the confirmation page, took all the paper bills (I have some I have switched to electronic) and stapled them three times down the left side. They will be filed with last months and the month before that, and before that.
I do it this way every time.

I blog at work. In the morning I draft at lunch I post. I do it this way most times. I have to be a little flexible here as they are actually paying me to do something other than blogging. But generally, it gets done during my work day.

I am going to need some time to adjust people.

While I am adjusting here are a couple shots from our march on New Haven CT on Saturday.

Eating crow

Isn't that a silly saying? I bet it tastes like chicken.

Ok, so yesterday a friend asked if we were going to join in on this protest thingame-whatsy going on tomorrow -- evidently all over the country -- in peaceful opposition to the goings on in California. (prop 8 for those of you under rocks).





But I said we had things to do. We have yard work, and house work, and several projects in the midst. We have no time for protesting... and the last thing I wanted to do was stand out in the rain with 12 people I don't know. You know how these grass roots things can be. Small, underfunded, poorly attended. I just wasn't interested.

I even did a little research on the whole movement. For goodness sakes - it was a website started just last week by some woman on her lunch hour.

I mean really... call me when you have something real going on.

Welp, after gentle prodding by a blog friend, and finding out this morning that the HRC is now endorsing this nationwide event, and I hear that LMF is now on board as well... I'm listening.

It seems there may be something real going on.

Who knows... maybe we'll make some history.

Your children are everyone’s future

Child rearing is more than molding children into tiny versions of ourselves. We need to teach reasoning and decision and selection. Many parents are already very good at this with their toddlers, and it can be as simple as choosing an outfit, or selecting a paint color for their room.
So why is it we fall apart as parents when our children are old enough to vote?

There has been a lot of talking over the last couple weeks around and about the recent elections and their process. And as much as I try not to listen, all this talk has uncovered a family phenomenon that disturbs me.

Parents who try to get their adult kids to vote along their party lines, and even publicly disapprove when they do not.

Parents, please –don’t underestimate and certainly don’t abuse the influence you have on your children – even when they are grown. You must know that by trying to make them acquiesce to your way of thinking only one of two things can happen.
They will bend– thereby losing their own conscience and most likely becoming apathetic.
Or they will rebel – by simply choosing the opposite. Unfortunately that decision will not be made of rational and intelligent reasoning. It’s simply falling back into the psychological play of the persuasive parent and indignant child.

These are people, people. They have their own minds. Right or wrong, with you or against you – they think.
That, my friends, is the greatest gift of being a parent. To have spawned, sheltered and released a person who can think, and be, and is whole.


Allow me to give you an example:

Let’s be in the living room of a typical American home. You see a strapping young man pacing – sick with worry, weak with fear, visible sweat on his brow. He is about to tell his conservative parents he is gay. And he is anticipating their rejection, their anger, and worst - their disapproval.
You feel his pain don’t you?
You’re already mad at his parents for not being accepting and supportive, aren’t you?

Ok.
Now… let’s be in a different living room down the street.
Another strapping young man, feeling the same fears, the same doubts and only really wanting his parent’s acceptance.
But this boy’s parents are liberal lesbians, and he is about to tell them… he is a Republican.

People – could you just let you children grow into their own adulthood. Create a loving and accepting environment where free thinking is encouraged. Where to live under the same roof with someone who doesn’t vote your way is comfortable, even applauded.
Help them to reason their own views. Not to follow yours.

The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. But it does fall.

I am going to try to put this into words...

I am not sure if I can get this across in a blog entry.
This is more of a conversation we should have over the dining room table - with cocktails and finger foods. Where I can look at you and you at me and I can use my hands and eyes and inflections to express myself.

Alas, you are not here and I really want to tell you about this - so bear with me.

My adoring wife and I have been together for over 23 years. We have raised two children, several dogs and cats, some fish, and a couple of lizards. We have lived in the same house for 21 of these years, and have painted each room... several times.
We are truly and utterly in love. We are best friends. We are very different. We are very happy.

When the Civil Union bill passed several years ago - my excited wife became a Justice of the Peace. It's been a truly wonderful experience for her to share in so many joyous Unions. She comes home from each ceremony welling with joy. I have been privileged as well to see some of you Unioned.
We are moved by each and every one.

When this bill was passed we were preparing our second child for college, and we made a conscience decision to hold off on our own Civil Union until after he was done with school -- specifically for the financial aid forms. It was our little way of getting back at the system.

Well our son is a junior now, and we were already planning to 'Unionize' next year --and then we heard the Marriage bill had passed.

Yay. So now we’ll be ‘Married’ instead. This is nice.

Ahh.. but over the course of this past week I have to admit… I have been feeling a bit… well… emotional (in the most pragmatic way that I can of course).

Intellectually, I have always understood that a Civil Union would give us the same (state, that is) legal rights as marriage. But what I didn't realize - that in my heart … I never gave it as much weight.
No really… I had no idea that I truly felt this way. That it wasn’t just rhetoric.

Civil Union, after all, is a legal, binding commitment - and yet some how… for me… it was not gelling. I wasn’t giving it the weight it deserved (or did it).

Today I am sitting and thinking about actually marrying the woman I love, and what that truly means. Literally I am welling up as I type – and frankly I am surprising myself.

When I come into work after our ceremony - I must notify my employer that I am now 'Married'.
When I fill out my taxes - I will be 'Married'.
When I go to the doctor and fill in the forms - I will no longer be forced to check the 'Single' box.
There won't be any question or difference or confusion.

I won't be ‘in a Civil Union’.

I can simply check :
[ ] Single
[x] Married
[ ] Divorced
[ ] Widowed

This feels very different - and I don't mean that in the political “I want to fight for my rights way” -- I mean ... emotionally, spiritually, passionately.


I will be married.
I will be a married woman.
After 23 years of calling this adorable, sexy, playful, intelligent, free-spirited woman my wife... she actually will be.



Thank you to the folks at GLAD and LMF and to the couples that participated in the lawsuit, and to the legions that supported them, and to the Connecticut Supreme Court for making a sound and fair judgment.

Hmm...

What will I wear??