Tuesday, August 31, 2010

learning to be present

It has been my recent practice to learn to be more present in my life. For some people presence is disturbed by their past - for me its mostly future. My mind is generally several steps ahead of reality. This causes me to lose the moment. And so I have been very consciously trying to stay in the moment.
To enjoy the moment.
To be the moment.
Our lives are made up of moments.
Even those moments that we consider in between the moments of our lives.
They are all moments.

We, my family, have been given an opportunity to learn how to be in the moment. This can be done simply by changing the moment so often and in such varied, unforeseen ways that planning is simply not possible. That being present is your only choice.
It's kinda like taking a summer course - the learning has been consolidated into a very short and demanding amount of time.
In this case, one month.

I stopped blogging at that point, one month ago, and I shouldn't have. Blogging is my diary, my journal and often my memory.
So now, for me... I blog.

In late July my giddy wife and I made plans to visit Ptown for a couple days to celebrate our 25th anniversary. The timing ended up being not very good - tho we didn't know that when we made our reservations back in the winter.

My mother, as I have mentioned only once or twice here, has been dealing with cancer since March of last year. This past winter, after chemo and radiation, she was dubbed in remission - tho pain and other symptoms continued to bother her. She persisted in going to doctors for tests and procedures whose outcomes proved nothing. She was getting frustrated.

By the time we were packing our bags (not too many bags, it was a short trip...but hey... it was Ptown, so I of course would need several pairs of shoes ... none of them being sneakers...but that is a story for another time) my mothers pain level had escalated to a point where they were going to finally look inside. She had had a scan which showed "something" and they would now do a laproscopic biopsy to look inside.

Just before we left, my mother assured us she would be fine and to go and have a good time. In fact, she drove herself to get pre-procedure blood work that afternoon.
That was July 24th.

Her results were not good. All the previous scans and blood work somehow hid the truth.
We came home a day early and went to pick her up at the hospital. She was sore, but walked to car, got in and we whisked her home.
That was July 28th.

Today is August 31st.
My mother is wheelchair bound, cannot figure out how to dial her own phone, she cannot bathe or bathroom herself... and asked me yesterday why there was no food service at this place (her home).

It's been a month.

We have been present everyday.

16 comments:

Tina-cious.com said...

:-o

Oh no.

Big hugs to you both while you navigate the present.

Beth said...

All I can say is bless you and your family.

Trop said...

Very sorry for your mother's turn for the worst. Hugs to all.

kitty litter said...

you know where we are if you need someone to commisserate with

eb said...

Peace, my friend.

Jesse said...

Oh man. Hang in there Weese and family. We're pulling for all of you.

hugs.

e said...

Wow. What a month. I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. It's a hard way to learn to be present.

Thinking of youse, and sending you hugs...

Ann said...

Oh Weese. My heart hurts for you. My thoughts and prayers are with you, your wife, and all of your family.

If there is anything at all you guys need, please ask. (((( hugs ))))

- Ann

KMae said...

I'm so sorry.
Tragic.

clammy said...

So very sorry to read about your Mom.

Trish said...

argh, was afraid of that.

a mi shebeirach was said for her, for you all, this afternoon at a minyan I attended.

cancer is a sneaky thing, and medicine is "just" a practice, not a science, annoying at that may seem.

a part of me wants to giggle at her concern for the lack of food service, but for that it wasn't showing such degradation in her cognitive abilities, it might be funnier.

breathe in, breathe out, repeat as necessary. remember that you are loved and you are doing everything you can right now---be gentle with everyone, including yourself.

the only daughter said...

May Peace be with you all.

teeveezed said...

Ah jeez, I know how that feels, hang in there.

dykewife said...

i'm so very sorry :(

this past four months have had my dad suffer a stroke that took much of his memory and reason away and left a mere shadow of the man i called dad. he then got an infection, his kidneys shut down and he died shortly after that (i knew the end was near when he stopped speaking english - his second language - and started speaking only french). three weeks later my husband had a heart attack. he came home from the hospital on saturday.

living in the moment is definitely something i can relate to. right now living for the future seems like a luxury i can't have.

greg said...

I am so sorry you're going through this. I hope that her pain is minimal at least.

Chelle said...

Sorry to read about your mother. It can't be easy to deal with. Here's hoping for lots of good moments.

Congratulations on your 25th!