Tuesday, July 29, 2008


I think quitting smoking was easier, and I haven't even made it through the whole mowing season yet...

I was very proud of our organic lawn when the first weeds started to sprout. They were so cute and different, even beautiful. I thought - hey... this is easy.
But now... now the crabgrass. Its wide, bright green leaves - so unmistakable. And so prolific.

My calming wife reminds me that we have crabgrass every year. But I keep thinking -- if I do nothing... what about next year -- it will take over the entire lawn!
This is where I begin to panic...

So here I am, driving around on the tractor in mindless circles, panicking.
And I think I begin to hallucinate...

on one shoulder I have a little tiny Scotts salesperson and Al Gore sitting on the other. Each one whispering in my ear.

Scotts dude is so calming and reassuring:
"Weese, relax - you know we can handle this with some summertime spot treatments and a preventative next spring."

Al says: "Better yet, instead of cutting the lawn at all, let it go back to meadow and forest."

Scotts Dude: "A simple fall weed and feed will really knock back those dandy-lions, and that thistle doesn't stand a chance."

Al: "Read my research on lawn chemicals as cancer causing agents, and how they affect wildlife."

Scotts dude: "You don't need to read, weese. Just feed it... c'mon - you know you want to. Look at John's yard next door."
my head spins...

Al: "Did you know US lawns take up as much space as the entire state of New York. And that 1/3 of all the water on the East Coast is used to water lawns!"

Scotts Dude: "We have a new chemical that helps reduce the need for watering."
He is grinning now.

Al: "So we feed and water a lawn to make it grow, only to cut it back every week - does that sound silly to you?"

Scotts Dude: "Consistent maintenance, including sharp blades and regular mowing is essential to a healthy lawn."

Al: "And by 'healthy' you mean....?"

Al breaks out into song and is joined on my shoulder by Rachel Carson.

Scotts dude: "WTF - they're singing. Fine, fine keep your weeds and your crabgrass, save hundreds of dollars a year as well as the environment, not to mention your family pets... whatever."



Jess said...

I feel ya on the weeds. Our lawn compared to the neighbors lawns is full of weeds. Theirs are all uniform and perfect.. I've been considering fencing in the front yard and planting more veggies.. :) Screw the grass!

eb said...

Move to the Gulf Coast. St. Augustine. It chokes the weeds out like nuthin' else.

SassyFemme said...

Perhaps you should consider taking up that other kind weed again, might calm you down a bit. ;)

Don't worry, I'm sure your lawn will never end up as bad as ours, and if it does, well, it hasn't killed us... yet.

Val said...

Tell Mrs Weese to fix you a strong cocktail, PRONTO! ;)

The Guy Who Writes This said...

Guy: Get a goat.

Anonymous said...

My advice is to get off the tractor, the fumes are playing with your head.

Anonymous said...

I tried for years to do the organic lawn.

The crabgrass was killing me.

I eventually had to go the chemical route.

LostInCO said...

Hey, crabgrass is green right? Good advice Sassy!